I thought when my wife purchase 2 cases (48 bottles) of this beer for my birthday party this past weekend, I thought hmm fun? It turns out that just because there is alot of it, as you may have read in earlier posts, that this doesn’t mean that its gonna be any good. You would think that someone who posts about beer would have learned this lesson by now. I’m here to report that I am a beer failure. The very fact that I let this crap in my house, and that I still have 24 bottles left of it ruins any of my credentials as a beer reviewer. But since my pain is your gain, I’d like to share with you how they want you to believe Pacifico tastes:

This is in fact, a bold face lie. Below is not only how it really tastes, but also how you feel afterwards.

Sure I might have eaten most of the 3 tri-tip roasts I BBQ’d that evening, but with that much brew I shouldn’t feel like the bloated passed out drunk that I do this Monday morning. Oh did I say drunk? What was I thinking this beer was maybe 1% and thats only if you consider the case as a collective. You’ve been warned.

Last Thursday night my daughter and I had soccer practice and afterwards were on our own for dinner. We drive by Thai Roses every night after practice so we decided to finally give it a try. My daughter tried a Thai iced tea (since it was her first time eating Thai food) and I decided to follow the advice of the table card which said, ” To know Thailand, know Chang.” Adorned with elephants and Thai-looking stuff (anthropology term), the little fold-up table garbage looked credible.

My daughter’s pad thai was passable and bland enough not to scare her off but the Thai iced tea was too sweet for even an 11 year old. My musuman curry was too sweet for my tastes, but I have to admit that I didn’t really ask for spice. As for my beer, I guess I actually do know Thailand. Cause if you know Budweiser, you know Chang. Lets just say that the number one beer in Thailand got there the same way the number one beer in America got there. Volume.

The high-volume taste of Budweiser brings the “clean, crisp” taste of white-trash America to the rich culture of Thailand the same way George W. Bush is bringing democracy to Iraq. Yeah!

Part 2 in my continuing series on Beers Whose Artwork Can Kick Your Ass. The giant blue bull flaring its nostrils at me from the 24-oz can of Schlitz I bought should have been a clue as to what this stuff would do to my stomach. Much like the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona, the Running of the Schlitz through my digestive tract the other night led to lots of goring, trampling, and internal organs running for cover. My gall bladder jumped out of the way just in time, climbing up to the top of my ribs to avoid the rampaging $1.19 beer. This crap is horrible! I guess that’s no surprise — you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Really, Schiltz is not that great-tasting of a beer? Thanks a bunch, Mr. beer-rater-guy. Next, can you get to work on that whole global warming issue.”

So why do this to myself? Why should I complain, when after all, I’m named “Walt Liquor”? More to the point, why should you bother reading it? Because I believe there are tolerable cheap beers, and then there are ungodly awful cheap beers. And it is worth it, nay it is imperative, that we figure out which is which. Because if you’ve only got $2.19 to spend, you might as well spend it intelligently.  And my friends, Schilz is NOT the way to spend that money.

That, and I’m too cheap to buy an expensive microbrew every time I want to review a beer…

*Have you ever wondered why mormons don’t drink? This is why.

Now I was warned about how pitiful the beers were in Utah my my brother in law. I had the chance to visit Zion this past week were it was a balmy 115 degrees everyday, and I figured that a nice pint might take the edge of screaming kids and schweaty ballz. After plunking down my $5 at the Zion Pizza & Noodle Company I was ready to taste something better than the camp site water I had been drinking thus far. Shoulda stuck to the water.

Best way to describe this beer is by describing the taste:
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There is hope that there might be a better brew in Utah, but Im not gonna take a chance again. At least the camp site water was free.

Even their brewery dog thinks its crap.

* total generality. in fact if you are mormon I hope you drink. alot.

I really wanted to give this a “1″. But I figured I would be fair since I really don’t like beer that tastes like this. Sorta IPA meets bitter beer face . Ok never mind, it’s a 1. It was a real effort to keep my teeth from jumping out of my mouth the second I drank it. I give it a label of “one swish sinker”. Meaning all it took was one swish for the rest to be poured down the sink.

I don’t like IPA’s or Pale Ales in general because of that “why would anyone drink this” hop flavor. But, this beer’s main offense isn’t so much tasting like that, as much as not letting me know it was going to. Prohibition? They should have called it “Prohibitive Ale” instead.