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  • Walt Liquor 10:57 pm on March 1, 2010 Permalink | Reply  

    Smithwick’s Ale — When You Want To Look Cool 

    Seeing the Irish beer setups for St. Patrick’s day at the supermarket (during a trip to buy Cadbury eggs, if you must ask) reminded me of Smithwick’s Ale, a beer that’s apparently the true day-to-day beer of choice of the Irish.  Most people here in America know Guinness, a few know Harp’s and Murphy’s, but those in the know call Smithwick’s the real best beer in Ireland.  By “folks in the know”, I mean our fellow American folks who are just a smidge annoying about how much they know and love Ireland.  Thinking of this reminded me that I am a seriously obnoxious Ireland-loving Celtic groupie, and I haven’t inflicted my annoying Irish knowledge on all of you yet.  So to correct that deficit, and in honor of upcoming St. Paddy’s day, here’s one of my favorite pictures from my trip to Ireland a few years ago.  The view is from a bell tower in Kilkenny, the town where Smithwick’s is brewed, looking into the back storage lots behind a brewery.  Those gray things you see stacked in rows behind the houses, the things that look like big gray storage sheds or tractor trailers, are KEGS — hundreds of them, stacked up five or six high, and hundreds deep.  Yes, the stereotypes are true — the Irish are not messing around when it comes to drinking.  There must have been a good 10 thousand of them here, and this is just the domestic output of one brewery in one relatively small town.  Now that’s sightseeing. 

    And the beer?  Well, I like my Smithwick’s as much as anyone else, but the beer in the kegs in the above photo is the actual best beer in Ireland:  Guinness.   Slainte!

     

    • Frosty 8:33 am on March 2, 2010 Permalink

      Everyone knows Mickey’s is the official Irish beer. House of Pain said so. And it comes in a green bottle! That makes it Irish right? ;)

    • Randy 7:23 pm on March 2, 2010 Permalink

      THE IRISH TRILOGY – PART 2 – SMITHWICK’S

      ‘Tis sure I’ll be wearing the green,

      When the calendar says March seventeen,

      To help me to think,

      It Smithwick’s I drink,

      Just try some, you’ll know what I mean.

  • Walt Liquor 9:33 pm on February 19, 2010 Permalink | Reply  

    Maharaja Pilsner — the king of subcontinental beers 

    Maharaja’s Premium Indian Pilsner is a pretty straightforward and tasty imported brew with a somewhat-uncomfortably on-the-nose-stereotype picture of 19th-century Indian royalty on the front. I’d place it in the realm of Beers That Are Really Ethnic Stereotype Jokes From The Simpsons (or, BTARESJFTS’s), almost as though the creators were 1950’s ad men trying to paint their product’s marketing image in very broad strokes for the rubes in Ohio who couldn’t identify India on a map. Also included in this category is Skullsplitter (with the prototype viking on the front), Moretti’s (with the middle-aged handlebar-mustachioed Italian man recursively drinking Moretti’s) and Punchy McCatholic’s (the Irish beer that I just made up, because I can make fun of my own ethnicity, right?).

    Naturally, I had to pick up a bottle — just weird enough for me to drink. After popping off the cap, a dense wad of beer foam oozed up to say hello, at roughly the pace and shape of one of those black snake firecrackers that never fail to disappoint on the 4th of July. “That’s odd”, I thought, making a mental note not to make a “happy to see me?” joke about it in my beer review, since that would be unoriginal and lame.  Nearly as unoriginal and lame as naming an Indian beer “maharaja”…

    At first, it seemed strikingly sour, but it turned out this was because I had just consumed the World’s Sweetest Drink In The World (in case you’re interested, the “creamsicle”: amaretto, triple sec, OJ, sour mix, tonic, and some dental fillings, because you’re going to need them), without adequately rebooting my palate. After a sip or two, it turned out to be surprisingly good. I was almost shocked — I saw a beer imported from India, picked it up expecting (even looking forward to) some serious skunkiness, but it tasted as fresh as an MGD. Compared to some of the skunky disappointments I’ve gotten from other parts of the world (like half the stuff from Ireland), this was a definite pleasant surprise. I guess there must be a lot more demand for Indian beers than Irish beers in my neighborhood.  Which I can live with.  Because this Irish dude is multiculturally sensitive, hyper-aware of the un-PC leanings of beer labels, but most importantly, much happier to live in a neighborhood with Indian food (“mmm, buttery garlic nan”) than Irish food (“huh — did they have to boil everything, even the check?”).

     

  • Frosty 10:17 am on February 13, 2010 Permalink | Reply  

    Hitachino Nest Espresso Stout. Coffee + Beer = Sink. 

    Run away!Have you ever wondered what it would be like if you poured cold coffee in beer? Well wonder no longer. Hitachino Nest has answered that question by brewing up their Espresso Stout. A “Japanese dark beer brewed with coffee beans”. A beer, best described as tasting like rancidity and sadness. Now, I’m no fan of coffee in general, but everyone else who tried this also gave it a resounding “yuck”.

    In an effort to brew something that satisfied both the night before and the morning after, they instead created what is officially the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.

     

  • Walt Liquor 10:45 pm on November 15, 2009 Permalink | Reply  

    Black Hart “Irish Style” Dry Stout (now with more potato & cabbage) 

    black_hearts “Irish style”?   You’re just inviting disaster by naming a beverage with alcohol in it “Irish style.”   While of course they mean to refer to the excellent tradition of fine brews to come from Ireland, they’re risking providing fodder for the equally rich tradition of drunk Irish jokes.  What’s the recommended serving method for “Irish Style”, cracking the bottle over some doof’s head in the pub?  They should save the trouble of bottling it — just pour it straight from the bottles onto walls of buildings, about waist-high, during the St. Patrick’s day parade in New York.  (I’m allowed to make these jokes, by the way, as I’m one of the 83% of Americans who claim Irish descent.  Here’s my proof-of-Irish card.)

    And what’s with the deer-escaping-from-a-chess-rook logo?  The deer has a look of ennui about him, despite being consumed up to the neck by a castle turret while the ground to either side inexplicably sprouts wings.  Maybe he’s confident because he’s carrying a gunpowder horn around his neck.  What the hell?  At first glance the diagram passes for your typical old-world style coat of arms, particulary being rendered in black and white on a subdued beer label.  But it’s astonishingly surreal upon close inspection, and must be downright bewildering after drinking an entire six-pack of this stuff.

    But I kid!  Before I make any more superficial, completely-beside-the-point complaints, let me just say that this a tasty little straightforward stout — no tricks, no bells or whistles, no chocolate or cumin or rutabaga.  Just a quality glass of pretty much exactly what you’d expect.  The randomness of my earlier comments attests to my difficulty in finding anything substantive to critique about this beer — Black Hart’s stout hit the spot in that coffee/chocolate/pleasant bitterness way of all good stouts.  Try it “Irish Style” with some smoked salmon in a smoky pub while it’s pouring rain outside, and you’ll feel a bit Irish, no matter where you hail from.  Unless you’re a deer — in that case, watch your step and keep your powder dry…

     

    • Brian 9:45 pm on November 23, 2009 Permalink

      That hart could definitely kick your ass if it had legs.

  • Walt Liquor 7:39 pm on April 22, 2008 Permalink | Reply  

    SkullSplitter 

    This is a beer whose artwork can Kick Your Ass, Burn Your Village, and Decimate Your Culture for Decades To Come (and will Later Become the Mascot for a Football Team). This beer’s artwork scoffs at the so-called “badass” artwork of Colt 45, King Cobra, and the like. This beer’s artwork eats Steel Reserve for breakfast. I can’t even get into how it lays waste to the Country Club.

    And yet the beer itself didn’t quite live up to the label — maybe I’m unfairly comparing it to Samischlaus, the 28-proof brewed-only-once-a-year uber beer I just reviewed. If I’d been drinking Coors all week, I’m sure SkullSplitter would have knocked me on my shield (which is oddly shiny and clean, for a Viking). This is definitely not a weak beer, and I’m sure it earns its name the next morning after drinking a six-pack. My wife (Mrs. Liquor) took one sip and her appendix burst (not really, but same facial expression), so it might be me. I may have to conclude that I’ve broken my taste buds. I also inexplicably taste licorice in all Scottish beers, including this one, leading me to think I can’t be trusted to objectively rate beers anymore. And why does a Scottish beer have viking iconography? Historical glee at how the Vikings were one of the few cultures to subjugate the British, subjugators of Scots, Irish, Welsh, India, and the rest of the world?

    It’s not a bad beer, though, and definitely packs a wallop in alcohol. It has a vaguely thick fruity taste, strong initial bite, not bad aftertaste, and possibly discovered America hundreds of years before Columbus. I would in fact judge it to be about halfway between McEwan’s and Samischlaus (though I haven’t tried enough other Scottish beers to really fill out the coordinate system there). If not quite conjuring up feelings of gnawing on a giant roast wildebeast leg at Valhalla, it’s an interesting beer experience and worth a swig or two.

     

    • SwillJockey 5:56 pm on April 23, 2008 Permalink

      I’ve swilled a few of these in my day and still have a soft spot for this beer. It’s not a chugger; it’s a sipper.

      For me, maybe it deserves a 3.5. ;) Damn wordpress is stifling my blog ratingness.

    • Frosty 8:25 pm on April 23, 2008 Permalink

      I may be scottish, but I still wasn’t a huge fan. To me, it tasted a bit too Orkney. Get it?…. I kill me.

  • Frosty 9:30 pm on April 11, 2008 Permalink | Reply  

    Eisbock – At least the bottle is shiny 

    Before I begin, I would like to point out that written on this label are the words: “Original Bayrisch Gfrorns”. Preach on, shiny nonsensical bottle, preach on.

    Trips to the store with Lil’ Frosty have proven fruitful in the past, so as I stood confused at the wall of beer, I once again deferred to the toddler for my ticket to inebriation.

    “Get that shiny one!”, I was told. Putting my faith in the hands of someone who eats boogers, I picked up the overly shiny bottle and brought it home.

    My first impression was that someone spent a lot of time on this label. Some like, say, Liberace. I do applaud it though. Despite the garishness, there is something appealing about a bottle that takes risks, and isn’t afraid to adorn itself with nonsensical sentences.

    Unfortunately, the cliche’ about “overcompensating” proves itself true here again. I honestly didn’t quite know what to make of the beer itself. It was a bit overly fruity, but not too offensive, and thankfully was pretty free of cheek smash. But despite that generic assessment I just gave, the only way I could describe it was that I just didn’t like it. You’d think that something with virtually no hop flavor would be a big hit for me, but alas. It was like the anti-Easy Drinkin’ beer. By the time I was 3/4 of the way through it I had to pour it out.

    I found myself having to force it down, drinking it had become a chore. Like that time in college when the beer goggles wore off, but you still weren’t ‘there’…not that I’ve had any experience with that sort of thing…

     

    • SwillJockey 11:49 am on April 13, 2008 Permalink

      There is something delightfully tacky about that label, but you should have known better than to choose beer based on “bling”.

      Bad Beer Swiller, no brew for you!

      -Beer Nazi

  • Frosty 8:35 pm on March 10, 2008 Permalink | Reply  

    Beers of Evil II: Wicked Women Mata Hari Ale 

    I like wicked womenOur next installment of the Beers of Evil comes to us from jolly old England. Brewsters Brewing Company has the distinction of being one of the few breweries with a female brewmaster. Kudos to you sister. And kudos on this beer! Wicked Women Mata Hari is named after a World War I woman labeled as “Europe’s queen of unbridled eroticism, an exotic dancer, courtesan, harlot, great lover, spendthrift, liar, deceiver and thief.” She was later convicted by the french, virtually without evidence, of being a spy for Germany and was executed by firing squad. If that’s not inspiration for a beer, then I don’t know what is.

    I’ll admit, I was totally gun shy after installment one. For no good reason, I cringed as I started to drink this beer. But you know what, it was good! Its a nice copper colored ale, with a real smooth drinkability. It has a bit of fruity wheat taste, kind of like the summer wheats I dig so much. All in all, quite enjoyable. Sort of the British equivalent to “Easy Drinkin’”.

    In addition to the good taste, I also have to give kudos to the Brits for the bottle. It has that funny British bottle shape, but unlike their smelly southern neighbors, it holds 1 pint, 9 ounces. That my friends, is appreciation for the drinker. And just another reason why England won the war. I’m not sure which war, but damn it I’m sure they won.

     

  • Frosty 9:11 pm on March 9, 2008 Permalink | Reply  

    Beers of Evil I: Belzebuth Blonde Ale 

    It was an indecisive day at the wall of beer. As I sat contemplating what to buy, my local beer pusher, Sally, remarked how many of the beers on the wall seemed to have a devil, evil, end of the world theme. Perhaps the brewers of America know something we don’t? I figured, well, if I have to go, I should heed the message at hand. Theme week! What better way to understand brewmaster revelations than to drink the beers themselves. For the next couple weeks or until the world ends, whichever comes first, I will be subjecting myself to and revealing to you … the Beers of Evil.

    Drunk time!This first beer I chose, some french* job named Belzebuth, immediately grabbed my attention with its gratuitous marketing. Taking up most of the neck was the massive announcement that this beer was 13% alcohol. Savoring dreams of being piss drunk after just one bottle, I poured the bottle into a glass and realized the second thing evil about this beer.

    Yes thats all there is It didn’t fill the glass! (See the picture to the right). I knew the french were annoying, but to make me angry before I’ve even had a single sip was a special accomplishment. I soon discovered however, that the bottler was actual doing me a favor.

    A little bitter, but still excited, I took a sip. Reaction: “WTF is this?”. It was like I was chewing it. Full of all sorts of heavy flavors, like gulping a rotten fruit salad. I was a trooper though and resolved to get through a bit more. Thankfully the next sip didn’t taste so rotten. As a matter of fact, it didn’t taste like beer at all. It was more like tonic water with a bunch of whiskey poured in. The kind of whiskey that comes in a plastic bottle. Evil indeed. This stuff was so nasty that even though I poured it out after only three small swigs, the boozy hobo aftertaste stuck with me for the rest of the evening.

    If one can call this beer, then I wouldn’t hesitate to call it about the worst beer ever. Quoth Mike Myers: “It’s not just evil, its ‘e-veel’. Like the fru-its of the de-veel”

     

    • Frosty 9:14 pm on March 9, 2008 Permalink

      *until france supplies me with a beer that doesn’t offend me so much, I refuse to capitalize. Team America, f**k yeah!

    • Walt Liquor 8:18 pm on March 13, 2008 Permalink

      Hmmm, worst beer ever? I’ll be the judge of that! It can’t be worse than Schlitz, can it? [Shudder]

      I don’t think I’ve had a high-alcohol beer yet that was good — all those quintuple-boch brews wind up tasting like someone stopped the beer-making process too early and bottled up the wort…

    • Patrick 7:52 pm on September 18, 2009 Permalink

      I beg to differ, after a colleague and I stopped at this new dive in downtown, claiming to have 40 “adventurous beers” we came across a few interesting choices. And after a pint of Dogfish Head 90 Minute Imperial IPA, the 8oz Belzebuth was a welcomed departure. The taste didn’t stick with me long, but I felt it when it was gone.
      Looking for retailers as we speak.

    • Large Hamster Cage 3:17 pm on January 30, 2010 Permalink

      been looking for something like this all day :) thanks.

  • Walt Liquor 11:32 pm on February 16, 2008 Permalink | Reply  

    Monty Python’s Holy Ale 

    holy ale     A beer from Monty Python’s comedy crew, brewed (I envision) by stiffly-moving british police in a hand-cranked meat grinder.  I of course picked this up purely for the label, as being a card-carrying geek I would proudly drink any beer brewed by Monty Python, Dread Zeppelin, They Might Be Giants, rock tumblers, graphing calculators, 24-sided dice, etc.  (I could go on…)  I know I’m being suckered by niche-marketing, and I know the true beer snobs will complain this is the wrong way to pick a brew.  But let’s face it, you’re not reading Walt Liquor’s beer reviews on this site for my nuanced palate, are you?  (If you are, I urge you to read my Grammy-award-winning series of reviews on Beers Whose Artwork Can Kick Your Ass.)

    The joke of the label itself is a little broad, given the off-kilter Monty Python humor — the beer artwork says “Holy Grail”, with the “GR” crossed out and “ALE” written in below.  Yes, thanks, I got the joke — broadcasting your joke that loudly I’d expect instead from something Jay Leno pasted to a black card, not from the folks at Monty Python.  And yet, the beer is actually really tasty…  it’s got a nice thick ale taste to it, something you might imagine enjoying with a bratwurst or salt & vinegar chips in a British pub somewhere.  I had figured that an essentially gag one-off beer would show the signs of a lack of priority on taste, but it’s the real deal.  Of course after five straight reviews of the very worst in beer (again, see my Stanley-Cup-winning series on Beer Whose Artwork Can Kick Your Ass), Formula 409 might get three out of six from me at this point.  For that reason I give myself a handicap of one off my first impression of 5 out of 6 for this beer.  I heartily recommend it.   And I wear high heels.  And I like to press wildflowers…

     

    • Frosty 4:12 pm on February 19, 2008 Permalink

      You look very good in suspenders and a bra.

      There was this one vomitous experience with Three Stooges beer that steered me away from themed beer (it tasted like what you’d expect a bottle of Moe to taste like).

      But now I must give it a second thought. Or should I? You have been drinking a lot of malt licquor…

    • Walt Liquor 10:30 pm on February 21, 2008 Permalink

      Yes, I’m not sure anyone should trust me — my taste buds probably look like Curly from the Three Stooges by now. Every regular beer I drink lately, I automatically cringe at first, and then I’m pleasantly surprised that there’s no horrible aftertaste. Huh, maybe I should stop drinking crappy beer? Nah! I want to get ahold of some Thunderbird next, that ought to be fun…

  • Frosty 8:42 pm on January 24, 2008 Permalink | Reply  

    Das ist gud – Spaten Optimator 

    Ok, sorry about the posting delay. My liver and I had a heart to heart, and it had asked me kindly to give it some time to recoup from the onslaught of the holiday booze fest to let it return to normal. I relented. For awhile. But with reality creeping back in to remind me of why I drink in the first place, it’s on with the review.

    Das OptimatorLong a favorite of mine at the local German Pub, Gustav’s, Spaten Optimator is one of those beers that makes you feel like swaying your mug right to left and singing some drunken pub tune. Its got a certain “I’ve never been to Germany but I bet this is what the beer there is like” taste to it that I enjoy. Dark, malty, with a bit of “foreign dark beer kick” which seems to go away the more drunk on it you get. I had 48 ounces one evening with Foobar and by the end it was the smoothest damn beer I’d ever had, and I had solved the problem of world hunger, world peace, and spilled on myself. Good times.

    I give this a 4 instead of a 5 however, because as one would expect, the bottled version isn’t nearly as good as the draught you get at Gustav’s. And unless you readers happen to leave in the northwest, the bottled is all you’ll get. It’s still good, but teeters on affirming my old saying: “all beer in green bottles tastes funny”. Yeah, you heard me Heineken.

     

    • Ivana Goodbeer 11:57 pm on January 28, 2008 Permalink

      Still very yummy, even in a green bottle. I bet you’d enjoy it more if you had the beer cheese fondu to go with it! German food needs to go with German beer. Just sayin.

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